Call it bad karma, First World Problems, or just Murphy’s Law, I’ve found there’s a lot more things that are certain than just death and taxes in my life.
1. McDonald’s will screw up your order. Seriously, fast food places should have a third window where you can exchange all the wrong items for your proper meal.
2. The slowest, newest, or most inept cashier will be in the Express Lane. That grammatically incorrect “10 Items or Less” sign might as well say “10 Minutes or Longer.”
3. There will be traffic if you’re already running late. I’m convinced there’s a magical algorithm states that for every 2 minutes late that you leave your house, there will be 150 additional cars on the road.
4. You will forget something on your shopping list. And you can usually only find said item at the busiest store on the planet, like Walmart. Oh, and you really really need it, too.
5. Your car will stop acting up at the mechanic. Or your symptoms magically disappear at the doctor. You explain to them the strange sound and foul-smelling discharge (applicable in both scenarios), but when they take a peek under your hood (literally or metaphorically), things are running ship shape. Just be glad I didn’t make a tailpipe joke there.
6. Your kids will get sick at the most inopportune moment. Usually right before that vacation you’ve been planning for 6 months, causing you to cancel it… Or right at the end of it, and you need to convince your boss you’re taking care of a puking toddler, even though he thinks you just wanted 2 extra days on the beach.
7. You will always look your worst at the most inconvenient time. The cute UPS guy needs a signature, and you answer the door in a flannel robe with your hair a mess. You smile at a pretty girl, and there’s food in your teeth and mustard on your shirt. This is God’s favorite joke on mankind.
8. The item you need the most will be broken / lost or otherwise screw you over. Where the hell is that $200 tool you used once 4 years ago and need NOW? Why does the cable go on the fritz when it’s your turn to host The Bachelor viewing party? I once split my suit pants right up the ass seam… 45 minutes before my father’s funeral.
9. Your playlists will always fail you. If it’s on shuffle, you’ll skip 85% of the songs, trust me. Also, that moment Gram Gram stops by out of the blue will be the moment your filthiest song starts blaring through your speakers.
10. Your children will blurt out your deepest secrets. Usually to your boss, pastor, or ex. …Which is totally awesome to witness when it’s NOT you.