Unsent Corporate Letters #3: Dr. Pepper

Dear Dr. Pepper,

Listen. You know we’ve been seeing each other for a long time now. I remember when I was a kid, the first time we met, you swept me up into your bubbly arms and we’ve been together ever since. And I’d say things are pretty serious… I mean, we see each other almost every day. So I suppose I’ll say what you’ve probably known for a very long time:

I Love You.

Wow, it feels so good to finally say that after all these years! I feel like our relationship is at an entirely new level… But, that being said, there’s something else we need to talk about.

I think you should get tested.

Ummm, wait, no. What I meant to say was I need more of you. And you’re giving me less. Quite literally.

Seriously, what is the deal with this 8-Pack thing? What POSSIBLE good can come of getting LESS soda? My entire life I have learned that by some magical bio-chemical algorithm that I cannot explain, 12 sodas last exactly one week. Always.

I tried making 8 work. It didn’t. I missed you around Friday.

I tried making 16 work. It didn’t. I needed some time apart during the weekend.

12 is the  number. Why do you think twelve has its own spare word – a dozen? There’s no word for “8″ — its just eight. Flowers, Eggs, Donuts, Cookies, Beer… all good things come in 12s.Your decision to replace EVERY 12-pack in America with an 8-pack makes me seriously doubt the fact that you even graduated Medical School, Mr. Pepper.

However, unlike the other letters I’ve written, I cannot claim to boycott you. You complete me. I’ve tried the imitators, but nobody comes close to your perfect  blend of 23 Flavors.

In closing, I would just like to say that although I may love you, I don’t always have to like you.

Seriously Hoping You’ll Reconsider The Stupidest Packing Idea Ever,

The Welshman

Unsent Corporate Letters #2: Klondike Bar

 

Scale: 1 Inch = 3 Miles

Dear Ice Cream USA / Klondike Bar,

I have been a fan of your wonderful creations since my childhood. I’ve also probably tried every variety of Klondike that you’ve offered to cram down my iced gullet; Crunch, Peanut Butter, Dark Chocolate, etc., but I’ve always found my way back to the original.

After some time without one of your stickless, perfectly portioned, frozen, confectionery delights, my wife decided to pick some up as a surprise. I was most excited to see those familiar silver squares with the polar bear greeting me when I opened the freezer one night.

At first bite, I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it (mostly for fear of getting sticky and chocolatey). A few days (and treats) later I realized the sticker on the packaging:

“Now with a new thicker, chocolatey shell!”

No.

I don’t want that.

What is this, New Coke? Don’t mess with a classic, Klondike. Nobody was complaining about the shell. It did it’s job; I could finish a portion before the ice cream melted or the shell shattered in my hands! But now I have to choke through what feels like 16 inches of waxy choco-crete to make my way to the gooey, creamy, delicious inside.

I now find myself walking the ice cream aisle in the grocery store muttering “What WOULDN’T I do for the old Klondike bars?” Hear me when I say this: Your new treats are but a shell of their former selves. Pun totally intended.

Rather than take a pnematic jack-hammer to attempt to crack into the seemingly bullet-proof chocolate coating, I’m forced to risk almost certain tongue-splintering while chowing down on Eskimo Pies; formerly the vastly insuperior product when it comes to choco-coated iced creams. But now, sadly, I have no choice.

I hope you find this complaint. Take a hint from your Coca-Colleagues; I will be forced to boycott your product until Klondike Klassic is released.

Not Doing Anything For The Delicious Frozen Squares You So Badly Messed Up,

The Welshman

ATTENTION WORLD:

Limerick Day

As many of you know I know, May 12th is typically celebrated as Limerick Day. Edward Lear, a Limey Brit an Englishman popularized this short, quippy, usually vulgar type of poetry. We celebrate this poem on his Birthday, by remembering him and writing absurd and obscene poems. By “we,” I of course mean myself, a dozen other literary nerds, and any high school English students unfortunate enough to have a teacher who recognizes this “holiday.”

So, in keeping with the spirit, I will now write a few poems from the top of my head.

There once was a man from Nan —— ok, just kidding.

There once was a blogger named Scott

Some say that he sure writes a lot

A LiveJournal quitter,

But never on Twitter

The End. (‘Cause that’s all that I’ve got.)

Ok, decided not to follow the “vulgar” rule on that one. Lemme try harder…

There once was a boozer from Wales

(Well, Lakeland is where from he hails)

Drank Lager and Stout

Until he passed out

And lost all the wind from his sails!

That’s more in the spirit! Lets go after my wife now…

I once knew a pretty young lass

Who was great for some fun, but alas!

She soon turned the tide

And became my Bride

Now I’ve got a pain in my ass!

(Just kidding, honey… I had to make it rhyme!)

The Story of Murray the Fetus:

We’re wonderin’ when you will come greet us.

How you came to be?

Well hmm, let me see:

The result of some strong margaritas!

Yes, even my unborn child isn’t except from amphibrachic meter-inspired ridicule. But it meets all the requirements set forth by Mr. Lear.

So, take time to remember all those dirty poems your dad used to tell you when he was drunk… and try writing a few of your own!

Unsent Corporate Letters #1: 7-11

Congratulations, you're now in the Axis of Evil

 

Dear Seven-Eleven,

I have been a frequent shopper of yours over the years. You provide quality gasoline at a fair price, as well as a veritable cornucopia of refreshments and snacks. Whenever I see that Green/Red/Orange sign, I know that all my convenience store needs are ready to be addressed.

That is, until last Saturday.

We recently attended TBA Church, as part of our “church shopping.” After visiting one Sunday, they sent a $5.00 footlong gift card as a way of saying “Thanks, come back again sometime!” Fast Forward to a few days later… It was Saturday at noontime; while my truck tank said Full, my tummy-tank said Empty. I decided I would take advantage of the church’s benevolency and treat myself to one of your delicious pressed Cuban subs, some Tacos at Midnight Doritos, and a large, refreshing Super Big Gulp of Dr. Pepper (whom I also have a bone to pick with, but I digress.)

I arrived at the checkout counter with minimal wait (as usual). When I approached the young woman, I gleefully pointed out I had a gift card. My total was $6.43, but after my gift card I expected to pay $1.43 — a song for such delicious food and friendly service.

I swiped my gift card, and the attendant informed me I only had a balance of $5.00 on it. I stated I knew this, and would like to use the card, and pay the remainder with my Visa. “We can’t accept two types of payment, sir,” she informed me.

I was taken aback. I used to work in retail. I know that the main reasoning behind offering Gift Cards is because they serve two main purposes: A. The get a customer INTO your store in the first place, and B. People generally spend MORE (usually 2x) than the gift card’s amount, which increases your revenue. (Knowing reason B from experience was the reason I hovered so closely to my $5.00 mark.)

A minor tuft ensued. I reasoned “How can I spend a gift card if I want to purchase MORE than it’s amount, but I can’t use two payment types?!” but to no avail. “That’s the way our company works, sir,” was the only response I got.

I reasoned further: “So if my total was $4.88, I could use the gift card?”

“Yes, sir.”

“But then my 22 cents would basically be lost forever, because I won’t be able to use two payment types on my next purchase? Is that fair?”

“No, I suppose not, sir. But that’s just the way the company works. We can’t accept two payment types.”

By this time a small line had formed behind me, as I tried to process “the way your company works.” I cannot understand how on earth you expect anyone to use the full amount of their gift cards in your store, if you can only process “one payment type” per transaction.

I emplore you to take a hint from Home Depot, Best Buy, Wal-Mart, or dozens of other national chains that realize the potential of Gift Cards. Two payment types (gift card + cash/credit/debit) would yield MORE revenue, not to mention MORE satisfied customers.

I will be honest; I will probably top my tank off with exactly $5.00 worth of your gasoline, so I can take advantage of my “gift” card… but this will most likely be the last purchase at one of your stores for quite sometime.

In the future, should I have the choice, I will choose a competing chain for my convenience needs, because I am so disappointed in your service.

In short, you suck.

Kindest Regards,

The Welshman

Former 7-11 Customer

Back in the Saddle

After an apparently much-needed break from the blogosphere, I feel I’ve finally got some information that is share-worthy. It’s time for list-style; down and dirty blogging.

1. I surprised Emma for her first Mother’s Day — I did some minor re-landscaping… planted annuals, trimmed the palms, adjusted the sprinklers, added some new plants, etc.
2. In addition to that, I bought her a 80-minute Balancing Massage specifically for moms-to-be in their 2nd and 3rd trimesters.
3. We find out if “Murray,” our baby, is a Girl or a Boy on Thursday at 4pm!
4. My prediction: for some odd reason, I “know” Murray is a Girl. I just know it… I can’t explain it, but I just do. However; Tyler is going to need a neighborhood guy-friend, Ava needs two boys to fight over her, Baby Kerseyis also going to need a guy-friend, and Kennadie could also be a potential arrange-marriage mate, so I’m going to go against every instinct I have and make a prediction; It’s gonna be a Boy. (And no, I’m not hedging my bets. “BOY” is my final guess, and if I am wrong, I will admit it. – Even thought I “know” I’m wrong.)
5. I finally have some fuel for the fire. Most don’t know this, but I used to be notorious for writing angry letters to companies that I felt “wronged” me. The most I ever got was a coupon or two, to keep me coming back as a loyal customer… but the other day I realized that I have a very strong following of at least 5 readers, so maybe they will share my anguish against these companies… or at least get a kick out of what drives me crazy. So look out, Dr. Pepper, Klondike, and others… there’ll be blogs about you soon!

That’s all for now — it’s Monday and I didn’t sleep well last night, so I’m not exactly in a creative mood. I know probably roughly 1/5 of my blogs state this but: A. No, I’m not dead. B. I’ll be writing more soon, and C. Emma constantly reminds me to blog, so ok, whatever you want, Honey.

One Giant Leap for Blogkind

LOL, Memes = Hits

Wow, I guess I finally wrote about a hot-button item while it was still hot. That giant spike is April Fools’ Day, where I wrote several blogs regarding CADIE’s progress throughout the day… and my stats are still kinda riding that wave.

Additionally, I still have multiple hits per day for “funny birthday” in a google image search (from wishing my wife, Victoriess, a happy birthday), and too many hit per day for searches referencing the male anatomy, thanks to my damned mushroom post. (No, I’m not going to link it again.)

On one hand, seeing my stats break 100 makes me feel like maybe I’m actually a decent writer… but then seeing the numbers decline rapidly makes me think that people just wanna see pee-pees, pandas, and cats holding birthday cupcakes.

So, I normally despise asking for comments (and so does my wife, and she’ll yell at me for this later), because I think if someone has something to say, they’ll say it without me prodding them… BUT, I really just want to know…

Who actually reads my blog? If you’re a faithful and proud follower, or a silent stalker, or just someone passing by, please let me know. I’m trying to determine if continuing to post my musings is worth it for the readers, or if I’m on the road to being a sell-out just to increase my traffic.

I guess I’ll know which it is if I have 3 comments today, and 115 hits.

Farewell, CADIE

It is now nearing 10:30 EST, and it would appear that Google’s CADIE will slip back into the shadow from whence she came.

Chrome 3D. LOLZ

Even after “perfecting” Google Books, Google Knol, Google Docs, and Google Code, (not to mention maps, analytics, and countless other google products), it seems that Humanity just wasn’t ready for her.

Her sad adieu can be found once again on her homepage, so be sure to check that out.

I’m also unsure about this, but CADIE may have a copy-cat.  “She” left a comment on an earlier post… but I’m unsure why a Google “being” would use a WordPress domain…

CADIE, if that was really you, I apologize. Far be it from me to insult a powerful sentient … thing like yourself. I didn’t mean it. please don’t give me conficker.

Anyway, Farewell for now, CADIE. Hope to see you around sometime.

CADIE, Google Strikes Elsewhere

Great, now you’ve made her angry.

CADIE has updated her personal website and the Google Image Search page. This is not gonna be good, folks.

As an additional update, Google’s April Fools’ Joke CADIE has also made improvements to Google’s Picasa Photo-editing. Apparently google’s CADIE feels that Red-Eye is an good thing, so her updates to Picasa include Auto-Red Eye… which of course adds red-eye, rather than removing it.

If that’s not enough, a non-CADIE-affiliated “prank” is You Tube’s new “optimized” viewing. Visit the site, click any video off the home page, and see the new changes! (Explained here.)

Thank you, Google. You rock.

CADIE, Google, Pandas, & April Fools’

Every year I look forward to getting on Google and seeing their latest prank/joke/hoax. I remember April 1st religiously (although I always seem to forget for about 3 minutes when my mom calls and gives me some outlandish story that I fall for), so this is the crux of my web-browsing life.

This year, they have introduced CADIE (Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity) which is a take on the whole Matrix or SkyNet deal, where a machine or program becomes self-aware and begins to make changes outside it’s creator’s control.

While obviously a farce, it’s been fun to follow CADIE’s movements within google over the past few hours. If all goes as I think it will, I believe Google’s site will be completely overrun with Pandas and CADIE’s ramblings by late this afternoon. I’m really looking forward to it.

So far, she’s only a few hours old, so most of her favorite things are pandas, unicorns, kitties, and rainbows. (Apparent by the Google Images Search Page.)

Check out CADIE’s developer’s “press release” here.

Or stop by CADIE’s “home page.”

However, my two favorite Google “Upgrades” that CADIE has introduced in the past few hours are Google Chrome 3-D and, better yet, GMail AutoPilot.

This could get ridiculous..

UPDATE: Accessing google.com/m on my mobile touted a new app (created by CADIE) that would allow me to merely “think” about a search query, hold my phone to my forehead, and “Google Brain Search” would search for what I was thinking. HAHA

I think the app may be malfunctioning. I’ve had this phone to my head for 20 minutes, and still no search results for “American Idol Spoilers” are popping up.

…just a bunch of pictures of strange-looking mushrooms…