Another Day at the Office

Only in my line of work can things like this happen.

My secretary received a call today about some “strange mushrooms” that a homeowner had found growing in his lawn. She said on the phone the gentleman sounded apprehensive about going into detail whilst describing the fungi. I set up an inspection and headed out to see what all the fuss was about.

I knocked on the door and didn’t get an answer, so I was on my own searching the mulch beds for whatever mysterious mushrooms may have been lurking there. I was at a loss for words when I discovered what they were talking about.

Now, I’ve used a stock image here, but I can assure you. What I saw staring back up at me from the bed looked EXACTLY like this:

Yes my friends — a penis-mushroom. A frighteningly anatomically correct penis-mushroom. Phallus impudicus to be exact. That’s right. I called it a penis… and some 1700′s French mycologist already named “phallus.” Damn, I only missed that joke by by about 276 years… (Well, technically even he got beat to the punch; botanist John Gerard called it the “pricke mushroom” or “fungus virilis penis effigie” in his General Historie of Plants in 1597.) But I digress.

So now I’m left the daunting task of writing a note to the homeowner explaining what I’ve found… but how do I describe… that… tastefully? I was mulling it over in my mind when the homeowner pulled into the drive… Actually, it was the homeowner’s wife. So now I have to be even more tactful in my explanation of the penile fungi.

Thank God she had a sense of humor. The first thing she said was “Have you ever seen anything more phallic?!”

“Every time I take a shower, sweetcakes.” ::WINK:: “Nope.” I responded.

But… yeah. I never thought this would happen. How do you train somebody for this? I told my boss about it and as a joke he printed pictures of the “common stinkhorn” as it’s known nowadays, and put them in my office mailbox. And he also changed the background on my computer to the picture I’ve provided here. Its even scarier blown up on a widescreen LCD monitor. Jerk.

And actually, while doing research on the… thing, I found this guy, who had already mitched and boaned about it in his blog. His rantings are a bit more “R-Rated” than mine, but it’s still a hilarious read. (There, you were warned.)

Oh, and lastly, I found out that no living organisms reside inside the fungus. Why? well, you see, there just isn’t mushroom.

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