Unsent Corporate Letters #3: Dr. Pepper

Dear Dr. Pepper,

Listen. You know we’ve been seeing each other for a long time now. I remember when I was a kid, the first time we met, you swept me up into your bubbly arms and we’ve been together ever since. And I’d say things are pretty serious… I mean, we see each other almost every day. So I suppose I’ll say what you’ve probably known for a very long time:

I Love You.

Wow, it feels so good to finally say that after all these years! I feel like our relationship is at an entirely new level… But, that being said, there’s something else we need to talk about.

I think you should get tested.

Ummm, wait, no. What I meant to say was I need more of you. And you’re giving me less. Quite literally.

Seriously, what is the deal with this 8-Pack thing? What POSSIBLE good can come of getting LESS soda? My entire life I have learned that by some magical bio-chemical algorithm that I cannot explain, 12 sodas last exactly one week. Always.

I tried making 8 work. It didn’t. I missed you around Friday.

I tried making 16 work. It didn’t. I needed some time apart during the weekend.

12 is the  number. Why do you think twelve has its own spare word – a dozen? There’s no word for “8″ — its just eight. Flowers, Eggs, Donuts, Cookies, Beer… all good things come in 12s.Your decision to replace EVERY 12-pack in America with an 8-pack makes me seriously doubt the fact that you even graduated Medical School, Mr. Pepper.

However, unlike the other letters I’ve written, I cannot claim to boycott you. You complete me. I’ve tried the imitators, but nobody comes close to your perfect  blend of 23 Flavors.

In closing, I would just like to say that although I may love you, I don’t always have to like you.

Seriously Hoping You’ll Reconsider The Stupidest Packing Idea Ever,

The Welshman