Reasons This Should Be My Job

Forealsies. Somebody should totally pay me to do this. Why, you ask? I was hoping you’d say that…

1. I think I’m funny, and that’s gotta count for something. I mean, I am a pretty good target demographic – single 30-something male consumer with toddlers. I’d sell to me. Humor sells, so lemme sell you my humor.

2. I’m intelligent. No, really. I kick ass at Trivial Pursuit, I’ve held a few jobs that have taught me new things, I did a little college, and I love to continue learning. I is learned real good.

3. I look like a writer. The beard, the distinguished flecks of gray in my hair, the glasses, the poorly disguised receding hairline… My image practically screams “stick me on the back of a dust jacket.” And it mumbles “or as an avatar next to a respectable web column.” On occasion it will whisper “I’ll write your term paper for beer money.”

4. I’m freaking awesome. Fur-serious. I am the most amazing, perfect, wonderful, witty, charming, handsome, and talented up-and-coming writer the universe has ever known.

5. I’m humble. I don’t like to talk about myself or build up expectations. I keep it real.

6. I am task-oriented. Right now my task is making money. So orient me, dammit.

7. I need to look good. Seriously, being a well-paid, famous author would really stick it to my ex wife. Will Work For Spite.

8. Editing would me minimal. I correct peoples text messages; I’m a bit of a Grammar Nazi. Sure, we all make mistakes, but I probably make less of them. *See Point 4*

9. Other people have hired me. C’mon, everybody is doing it. Don’t you wanna be cool? Please note: the first one is NOT free.

10. Please? Pleasegodpleasedon’tmakemebeg

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