New MIRACLE Food!!

So my girlfriend is all about healthy, and tries to get me to jump on to every diet bandwagon that passes by. However, I am the least healthy person on the planet. I drink, I dip, I smoke cigars. I eat one meal a day and it’s usually red meat. I would rather enjoy life; and that means greasy fast food and alcohol.

HOWEVER, today I tried to be healthy. And it backfired. Then I realized my most favorite meal on the planet is already 10x healthier than I ever even realized. Just what IS this mystery meal? Read on to find out.


For this example, I will measure: 1. My “Healthy” Meal, 2. My Kid’s Meal, (don’t judge), and Meal “X” – The Healthy New Alternative. My meal consisted of a Caesar Salad, my children decided to have Ramen and Garlic Bread (carbs much, kids?), and Meal X will be revealed at the end.

FAT – My salad contained 54% of my freakin’ fat for the day. Seriously? You’re goddamn salad, not bacon dipped in deep-fried mayonnaise. Jeesh. My kid’s ramen-and-bread regimen clocked in UNDER the salad at 29%. And Meal X?? Fat. Free. That’s right, ZERO. Salad: -1, Ramen: 0, Meal X: 1

SODIUM – Apparently something else you health nuts are concerned about. Thankfully Ramen topped the scales on this one at 76%, whereas my “healthy” salad wasn’t far behind at 41% (based on a 2,000 calorie diet!). Meal X didn’t even have it listed, so I’m going to assume a whopping ZERO again. Salad: -1, Ramen: -1, Meal X: 2

CARBOHYDRATES – Weren’t these good back in the day? Now they are bad? I dunno. Ramen: 52 grams. Salad: 29 grams. And meal X I went with 3 servings of said meal, just to try and make the contest fair — still UNDER 20 grams! Salad: -1, Ramen: -2, Meal X: 3

PROTEIN – That’s still good, right? The cheese on my salad probably added a bit. The chicken-flavor in the ramen musta given them some, too. However, Meal X, at just ONE service, clocked in right around a full gram of protein.  Salad: -1, Ramen: -2, Meal X: 4

CALORIES – My totally UN-healthy salad clocked in at 450 freakin’ calories. Nearly 1/4 of my day (if I actually believed in that 2,000 calorie BS. Ramen & Toast was a close 420 (lol), and again, THREE servings of Meal X was the winner at 330 calories.Salad: -2, Ramen: -2, Meal X: 5


My salad was no better than top ramen, and Meal X came out on top by 7 points over the competition. I’m seriously considering going on a Cleanse with Meal X. I mean, I could have approximately 24 servings of Meal X a day and be right around 2,500 calories, which is good for my size. That’s right around 22 grams of protein, ZERO fat, ZERO sodium, and 480 grams of carbohydrates — which I still maintain have to be good for you. I swear they used to be. Are they still? Anyway.

I may opt out of all other foods just because Meal X provides me with so much I need; protein, carbs, no fat, etc… and on top of that is has many other secret benefits. This substance is known to increase stamina, provide a heightened sense of self-worth, can make you feel invincible, and even provide courage  to do new things.

I know many of my articles are satirical, but this magical substance actually exists. In fact, it’s been around for thousands of years!!! I have not stretched a bit of the truth on any of the above facts. And it just so happens that this Meal X is readily available, and already conveniently comes in 24-serving packages. Sounds too good to be true, but I’m about to share this medical breakthrough with you, and see how many will join me on a Meal X Cleanse.

So what is it that grants all these benefits to you, and happens to be healthier than salad? What can you consume nearly 24 servings of and still keep you hovering right around 2,500 calories? What have the ancients had for thousands of years, which I have only discovered the health benefits of THIS VERY EVENING?!?!?1


Bud Light, to be exact, in the above references.

I am thoroughly convinced, based on the extensive research I’ve shared above (collected over approximately 25 minutes), that I could pop a multi-vitamin in the morning and chug a case of beer throughout the day, and be MUCH healthier than those kale-munching, organic-farming, cardio-loving hippies out there.

Numbers don’t lie, people.

One Response

  1. Glad to see you blogging again. :)

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